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**disclaimer that I felt like I needed to add: Writing about depression is seriously difficult for me, because what I don't want is for people to read this and feel sorry or feel pity. Hear me out. I want to talk about it because I think that one reason suicide is SO high is because it isn't talked about. And I also have a point. :)
"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." - Psalm 69:1-3
If I had to choose one piece of the Bible to use to describe depression to someone who doesn't struggle with it, it would be this one.
To be honest, the last few weeks I have felt like anxiety and depression might just crush me. The worst part about dealing with both is that I want company, but a crowded room can make me feel like I want to be a thousand miles away by myself.
What's amazing, though, is how much Jesus teaches me without me even realizing it until later on.
I have learned that it comes in rounds. Most of the time, I feel okay and normal. Sometimes, like the last few weeks, I lie in bed when I'm not at school, my Bible unopened on my nightstand and the studies that I was once so excited to start continue to lay by the fireplace gathering dust. And I sleep.
I have learned that relationships are THE most important part of staying healthy. My husband is literally the best man on the planet. I could sit on the couch with him and watch "The Office" for hours and hours. He has done everything just short of lifting me out of bed, attended doctor's appointments with me, and never once lost his patience with me when I'm panicking about something ridiculous. My parents let me, at almost 28, move back in with them when my husband was working in California so I wouldn't feel alone. My close friends have let me just sit in my sweats and zone out, just seeming to understand that I needed company but not necessarily conversation.
I have learned how important my job is to me. My kids are SO AWESOME (seriously, we laugh in almost every class this year - Jesus knew I needed that this year. And, for sure, I have my hallway talks with kids, but instead of it being about blatant disrespect, it's usually about things like, "We don't post stories about bears mauling us on Google Classroom to be funny"). And teaching seems to get just a tiny bit easier (sometimes) with each passing year.
I have learned how important getting outside is. A few years ago, I was running 80-90 miles a month. Now, I run maybe 10-15. And I'm SLOW. But I'm learning that's okay.
I am learning to breathe.
I have learned (and this is possibly the BEST advice I've gotten from a sweet family member who is so dear to me), that it is okay to give myself 15 minutes to cry. And then, I have to get up and keep moving, even when it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest to keep me pinned down.
Why am I writing all this? Because I want to 1. break the belief that it's bad to talk about depression, and 2. because I want you to see that God uses our struggles for His glory and for good. While I have wondered a million times why, God has used this battle to lead me exactly where he wants me. In August, although I was accepted into the master's in counseling program, I randomly decided to start my master's in Spanish, which has been good, but has kicked my butt content-wise. (I'm not really sure why I thought 18th century Spanish lit would be easy). But as I've dealt with my own depression, God has shown me so. many. students. So many who deal with the same thing. And while I'm at a place where suicide has never been an option or really even a serious thought, for many students and teens today, it is a serious thought. It is, for some reason, an option.
So this spring, I'm going back to get my master's in counseling. This was the original plan, and then I got adventurous and thought that if I got my master's in Spanish, maybe God would allow me to work internationally, which has been MY dream. But it's not His, and He continues to gently say, "No."
I am stoked to see where God leads in this. For sure, I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of not desiring to seek God in the slightest. I am definitely tired of sleeping and neglecting my time in His Word. But one thing that He teaches me is that He is faithful, even when I am not or when I can't find the energy to lift my hands to open my Bible. He still works. And because He still works, I still stumble, run, walk, or crawl along behind Him, depending on where I'm at. He is so worth it.
